a heart to heart.

Free me from my former addictions, Father,

for I don't wanna thirst after them ever again.

I've done wrong, for too long.

I'm sorry, I'm tired.

You're pure, I'm not.

Can't do this on my own, wouldn't know where to start, Father.

I stand here, vulnerable, naked, exposed, showing you what I've never shown another.

what I would never dare tell a soul.

Please don't betray me, I couldn't bear it,

I'm not as strong as I portray.

Cut me, and I will bleed, speak ill of me, and it does hurt, in as much as I may say differently, it grieves me because of the vicious lies and scandals spoken against me.

Don't they know me? don't they know I would never!

I guess not.

Wait a minute..., are You still here, Father?

soul exposed, past pains revealed, and You're still here?

Can this be? truly be, surely be, that you love me despite it all?

That I have not frightened you away or made you avoid eye contact with me?

wow..., I guess it is then, LOVE. AGAPE.

Thank you Father.

What defines me?...

what defines me?

is it the label on my jeans?

or the French perfume that I wear?

what defines me?

is it the colour of my skin, or the scars that I bear?

The Son of Man, He defines me.

The Holy One defines me.

Night after night I lie in His arms, and He says over me, "fearfully and wonderfully you are fashioned, that's who you are"

that's what defines me!

What my Jesus says and not your toxic words that shaped and framed my past.

Not a mistake, but Christ's bride.

I am not destruction, I am emancipation.

Blood washed I remain, shame removed, never to be the same again.

In love I was crafted, along the way, life caused deep cracks to form,

but LOVE has claimed me back as His own.

Now I know what defines me... (... it is His love).

intro...

On the brink of my 34th birthday, wow.., that’s a mouthful right there. What does it mean? more introspection? More reflection? It means every single thing I do from this point forward is with destiny in mind, it’s with purpose, it’s about legacy. I look at our forefathers, Robert Mangaliso Sobukwe, Steve Biko, Thabo Mbeki, my granddad Jacob Chisela, my father, professor Muyunda Mwanalushi, all men with purpose, with a focus.
I look at my generation and that of our offspring, shallow? With dreams but, something is different, do we know why we aspire for what we aspire for?, do we know where we emerged from? It’s vital to know where you came from and the lessons that were learnt from that era so that you don’t circle around the same mountain longer than you are meant to.
Legacy. For my children’s children’s children. That’s what I’m speaking about.
On the brink of 34, 3 + 4 = 7, in the Hebrew system, 7 signifies completion and that is what I speak over myself. Completion in every area that I dared to dream but did not pursue, in every area where I allowed that voice to dictate to me that I couldn’t. completion.
Namakau (…”the one who cultivates”..Psalm 1), stopped being apologetic when she turned 30. Never was able to fit in with what society would expect of a black middle class 30 + year old, no I’m not a psychopath, but a gypsy a hippie who is more intense than the normal hippie, I would like to think. kinda eccentric, flawed, of course, but God adores me and I am so thankful for that, that He sees the final picture when He looks at me.Needs to let her hair down more! I’m learning though, I am.
This year I had gotten so unhinged, I had allowed myself to become a passenger of my own life, when exactly?, I’m not sure, I had always been spirited, border-line defensive, but had allowed the fire to die somewhat, sadly, my intimacy with my Maker, El Shaddai, YWYH, had suffered the most, I had severed my life line, no wonder, nothing tasted the same.
I’m piecing things together, like why my closest cousin who was basically my twin (born 5 months apart, thick as thieves!) died and the Lord still has me here, every time that I think about Bwalya Anthony Chisela, I sob, maybe because I never witnessed his burial and I lack closure, maybe because we grew apart, lead very different lives from our mid twenties onwards, not sure, but I still grieve from the 22nd of January 2009 to date.
I feel shackled that I have not been able to pray my mother’s sight back which deteriorated because of the vicious disease diabetes that violated her body, but I channel my anger towards ensuring that I stand earnestly this time in the gap for her to get back whatever she allowed to be stolen from her and what the devil treacherously took.
There’s been good moments though, like the birth of Angela, my baby sister Katie’s daughter after the enormous pain of losing their first child Zoe even before we got to meet her.
There are also the moments I share with Muyunda III like when he grants me a kiss, on the mouth! At two, he already feels it’s uncool to kiss a girl!
The decisions and choices I have taken this year have been my own, and the results are based on the type of seed sown. “do not be deceived, God is not mocked, you will reap what you sow..”
How true this scripture is to me. I’ve seen it time and time again, from decisions I made in my failed marriage, and decisions I have taken in my every day walk since.
“change nothing, nothing changes!”.. this rings so true to me. I can beat my fist against the wall till my knuckles bleed, but if sista sista doesn’t change her rhythm, she should shut up and not complain.
He (Jesus)came that I might have life (zoe), and life more abundantly. What have I allowed? entertained? ignored? accepted?......
This is not a soppy pity-party, sad love song, but an introduction, a glimpse behind the stories I will share with you, if you understand the many facets to me, hopefully they will allow you to appreciate the stories I share.

So burn a candle (preferably sandalwood!), sit back and take my hand.